everything will be okay
by rockingfreakshow
Summary: In which Percy and Nico bond over how terrible they both are at dealing with their own problems. Percy/Nico, slight AU.


tw: self-mutilation, drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of child abuse, (non-graphic) violence

disclaimer: disclaimed

[-]

He doesn't know where the time went. And it kind of hurts, because he has always had an exceptionally vivid memory. Though recently, he's come to realise that it's predominantly with the things he doesn't particularly desire to remember quite so clearly or often.

It's not fair. The small amount of fond memories he _does _possess are progressively slipping away - taking his sanity along with them. He's slowly starting to hate his mind (or, himself) more and more.

Because what kind of person is no longer able to picture his deceased sisters smile, yet can recall the numerous times he's been criticized - over stupid, insignificant things, for that matter - in great detail?

[-]

It's the first snowfall of winter, and Nico di Angelo _hates_ himself.

He feels precarious and scared and alone and insecure and unsafe and there's nothing he can do about it. There's no longer anyone who genuinely cares about, worries for, or even acknowledges him and to 14 year old Nico, that's the worst feeling a person can ever experience.

He buries his head in his glove-clad hands, gloves that are old and torn, that aren't very good at their job (honestly, they just make him feel even more miserable, knowing the only thing he can currently relate to in life is a pair of gloves) and his fingers - that, like the rest of him, have become just a little too thin - tangle themselves between locks of thick, dark hair, that, for a boy, has grown just a little too long, but he's too absorbed in his own sadness to really notice or care.

[-]

He discovers that he really, _really _envies Percy Jackson.

He's so benevolent and polite and thoughtful and gentle and that's not even what makes Nico jealous.

He envies Percy's care-free attitude, his overly optimistic outlook on life. How, despite all the shit he's been through, he's just so _happy_ all the time. The thing that he envies the most is it is genuine. He really just is that content with his shitty life. He's everything Nico isn't, and everything he wishes he was and it makes him sick.

[-]

He decides winter is his least favourite season, which is unreasonable, because the only motivation he has to loathe it so very much is that it just happens to be the time of year when he hits his lowest point - or at least, he thinks it is at the time.

He's on the verge of giving up, and he's not sure if that should terrify him or not.

He's terrible at conversing with people, he's silent pretty much all the time, because when he tries to speak more, he becomes irritatingly opinionated and it makes him even more angry at himself. Which is why the majority of people haven't heard the sound of his voice before.

But today, Drew Tanaka gets to hear it. He's not even sure why they were arguing in the first place - but he is grateful that his brain is beginning to dismiss some of the memories he doesn't like as well now.

Their voices are both unpleasantly loud and begin to attract a crowd of curious bypassers, but he doesn't really care, because it's almost comforting to feel hatred towards someone else, even if it's not as strong as the aversion he feels towards himself.

And then, "Oh my Gods, you are so.. _exasperating_! What is wrong with you?! No wonder your sister left you, I bet her death was _deliberate_ - to get away from _you_," usually insults don't really effect Nico, but that really struck a nerve. It felt like everything had frozen around him, he knew she was still yelling somewhere in the background, but all he could hear was this unbearably loud piercing sound. His eyes stung with tears, he couldn't breathe, his chest felt tight, his limbs heavy, and _She's _right_, I hate her, but she's right. Not even Bianca loved me, why did I ever believe she did? I'm worthless, I was a horrible brother, I'm a terrible person, I _hate _myself!_

And as Drew ranted on, everyone's eyes were expectantly fixed on him and it was unbearable, he felt suffocated and trapped and needed to get away, _now_. So, he turned around and ran. It was pathetic, but he _is_ pathetic. He felt tears stream down his face as he picked up his speed, all of a sudden grateful for his small figure, which was lightweight and proving itself to actually be somewhat useful.

He heart pounded in his chest as he ran, the soles of his shoes loudly beating against the ground. He wasn't really sure where he was going, he just hoped it would be as far away as possible from her sharp glare and all the other judging stares. He heard an all too familiar voice call his name and tried to run even faster, making sure to not turn around.

But he got too caught up, slipped and crashed face-first on to the ice, pain and_ oh fuck, that's really cold _searing through his body. _At least this makes one valid reason to hate winter, _he thinks as the boy who came after him slightly skids as he catches up with him, but manages to regain balance before he sits himself on the ground, next to Nico, who has sat up and regained his posture.

Nico harshly wipes tears from his cheeks with the backs of his hands in a useless attempt to hide the fact he's been crying, decides there's no point in trying to run away again, so settles for looking at his palms, which are badly grazed from the ice, bleeding, the red liquid seeping through his fingertips, staining the white snow crimson red.

"Nico..." he says softly, gently placing his pale fingers on his arm, and Nico shudders slightly, because he's not used to human contact at all and his hands are warm and it gives him goosebumps because he touches him almost delicately, as if he was worried about hurting him, and that makes Nico feel special and loved and he really, really likes that. And it's dumb, because he's not special and it's Percy _fucking _Jackson, he's just that kind of person - he's nice to _everyone_, he doesn't actually sincerely care about Nico, he never will and Nico's not going to trick himself into thinking that he ever will, or that anyone ever will.

He keeps his eyes fixed on the ground as he lets Percy carefully examine his injured hands. He feels weak and pathetic - it's a natural human occurrence and would happen to pretty much everyone, including Percy if they were in that situation, and Nico knows this, but he still can't help but feel bad about himself. Snow is really just frozen water, so with the vast amount of snow on the ground, Percy easily tends to Nico's wounds. He watches his hands as they heal over, after all these years, still fascinated, because it seriously is really weird.

They sit there in silence for a few minutes and Nico's mind is still repeating her words over and over, thinking about how _right_ she is and how he hates that and he hates her and he hates himself, and he can feel himself about to start crying again and he wishes that he was dead and thinks about how much he deserves to be dead and what Percy must think of him right now and -

Percy gently lifts Nico's chin up with his left hand, and he can see that he's trying so hard to hold back more tears, but he doesn't look fed up or amused by the boy - there's almost a sort of sadness or pain in his green eyes and it's something Nico has hardly seen in people before.

"You know," he begins quietly, taking his hand away from Nico's face, "crying isn't a bad thing. I can understand why you're hurt, she shouldn't have said that... She ... she didn't mean it. Please don't take it to heart, she has no idea about your situation - trust me, I knew Bianca and I know she cared about you a lot. And I know we're not that close, but I know that you've been through a lot and believe me, you have every right in the world to cry right now."

He sits there staring at Percy, who is chewing the inside of his lip, looking almost guilty. Nico doesn't react as tears begin to stream down his cheeks, they look at each other in the eyes and there's sort of a mutual understanding between them as Nico crawls into Percy's arms and buries his face in his shoulder, clinging onto him tightly as he sobs hysterically and Percy holds him close, gently running his fingers through Nico's messy black hair, murmuring comforting things to him as he battles internally with himself.

Percy consoles Nico through the whole thing, he doesn't once complain or get irritated, not even when it begins to get dark. By that time though, Nico is taking small deep breaths as he slowly stops crying. It's the first time in his life that he's cried without restraint. He feels like a massive weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He feels relief and for the first time in a very long time, he feels that maybe things might be okay.

Percy helps Nico to stand up, as his legs have become awkwardly cramped from sitting there for so long, and he holds his hand all the way back to his cabin, and hugs him and makes him promise to see him tomorrow. Nico feels genuinely happy and he hasn't felt that way since Bianca was alive. He feels cared about, and he loves that, and he loves Percy.

He loves Percy.

He doesn't know it yet, but he loves Percy.

[-]

He doesn't talk to Percy the next day like he promised, but he does talk to him after a week and they slowly begin to see each other more and more, and even when Percy leaves in January, (he had stayed slightly longer that year) Nico still visits him in New York, but only ever if Percy invites him, because he lives in constant fear of appearing too eager or too desperate or too annoying to Percy.

They see each other almost everyday and Nico practically lives at the Jackson household now. He likes talking to Percy, because he can tell him pretty much anything. Percy is always there to console him, but he never really likes talking about his own problems. Nico knows Percy had a pretty bad childhood, and he knows not to bring it up. It's his old stepfather, Nico's seen the faded scars and the small burn marks on Percy's body and he's seen the pain in his eyes when he asked him about it. Percy told him that it was his stepfather's doing, but insists it's not a big deal, he brought it on himself, he was being a nuisance. He tells Nico to just forget it, it's in the past, it doesn't matter anymore, but he knows that it does because he's also noticed the fresh scars that appear on Percy's wrists over time. He decides not to bring them up.

[-]

Nico knows that Percy has a thing for Rachel Elizabeth Dare, a girl in his year at school who has ginger hair and is into art and politics and refuses to eat anything that's come from an animal. And Rachel's great, she really is, but Nico can't help but resent her, and he doesn't know why.

He sees the way Percy looks at her - he likes her, and in more than just a friendly way. It's a look that Percy has never given Nico, and yet Nico finds himself wishing he would. He dismisses the thought as soon as he thinks it, because Percy's a boy and his friend and that's just weird.

But, his heart still races just a little bit faster, and his still cheeks flush, and his fingertips still tingle when he's around Percy. He convinces himself that he doesn't like him in that way, because it's Percy, and Nico isn't gay, because that's _wrong_ and he shouldn't feel this way because it's_ wrong_ and it's sick and it's not_ normal_.

And he desperately and hopelessly tries to convince himself that he doesn't like Percy, that he's not gay, even when Percy and Rachel hold hands when they're out one day, and Nico feels bitter and sad and wishes it was him, even when an _Aphrodite_ girl tells him she likes him tries to kiss him and he pushes her away, even when Percy simply just smiles at him and Nico struggles to breathe, even when he dreams about engaging in an all too intimate act with Percy, waking up covered in sweat, full of self-hatred with an all too familiar sticky feeling in his underwear.

He's _not_ gay. He's _not_ in love with Percy.

[-]

Nico tends to think that anything Percy does for him is done out of some righteous form of pity. Percy's been his best friend for ages now and Nico is ninety percent sure that Percy could've dropped him at any point and one hundred percent sure that he hasn't only because he feels bad for him. It is not a very good friendship for Nico's self-esteem, but it's the only one he's got.

It's a Saturday night, 1 week after Nico's 15th birthday and Percy's been asked to come to some college party. His mother and Paul are away for the weekend, so he agrees to go. Nico's not surprised in the slightest that he would be invited, despite being only 15. When he asks Nico to come with him, Nico knows he won't enjoy it - he hates large crowds and cramped spaces and the smell of cigarette smoke. He hates drinking and loud music and he hates Percy for inviting him. But, it's _Percy inviting him._

And, just like he expected, he hates it. He tries his very hardest to be convincing in pretending he's enjoying himself, just for Percy's sake. So he doesn't look weird and Percy doesn't think he's a loser or a freak even though he is and he thinks about Percy and how easygoing and carefree he is and how he wishes he could be more like him because, to Nico, he's perfect in every way and - he spends way too much time thinking about Percy.

By the time they leave - 2:36am, Nico is feeling good. His brain is fuzzy and his cheeks are flushed and his stomach is tingly, and he knows it's because of the alcohol, even though he didn't really drink all that much, at least not compared to Percy. He's been in situations like this before with Percy, and he always throws any concern of his health out the window when he drinks.

Time starts to go faster, somehow they end up in Percy's room, sat on his bed laughing so hard that the neighbours begin banging on the walls and demanding they shut the fuck up and go to sleep.

"Shh," Percy says, stifling his laughter, "Shut up, man," he whispers, leaning forward and placing his finger over Nico's lips. They both laugh, look each other in the eye, "Shh, they're - they're gonna get mad!" But Percy's still laughing, so Nico can't exactly stop either.

And Percy smiles, looks at him with big green eyes, and it's probably just the alcohol, or the darkness of the room playing tricks on him, but Nico swears it's the same look he always gives Rachel, and before he knows it, he's on top of Percy, lips pressing into his, hips grinding against his. But Percy doesn't pull away, instead Nico finds him mirroring his own actions, and he moans into his mouth in response and it's sloppy and dumb and they're drunk teenagers with raging hormones, but he loves Percy. He really does, and he tells him it repeatedly, murmuring it into his soft black hair, "I love you, Percy", "You have no idea how long I've wanted this," They're there for almost two hours, making out and laughing, and Percy sucks Nico off and it feels so, _so_ good, and he feels on top of the world as he falls asleep holding onto Percy, thinking it can't get any better than this.

The next morning, Nico is gone as soon as he's awake. His head is pounding and his throat is burning and he feels like throwing up, and he's sure Percy will feel worse when he wakes up so he decides to leave him alone.

[-]

Three weeks have passed and Nico hasn't heard from Percy since that night. He doesn't know what to do because Percy usually contacts him on a daily basis, and his mind begins to jump to bad conclusions, but he tries not to think about it because Percy once told him he over thinks things too much.

Another two weeks slowly pass, and for the first time since they became friends, Nico is the one to seek out Percy. At 3:40pm on a Wednesday, he goes to their apartment in New York, and he feels sorta weird, he feels like he's returning to the scene of a crime. Shakily he knocks on Percy's door and his mother answers. She smiles and tells Nico that Percy's staying after school to study and he'll be back at 4. She asks him if he wants to wait there for Percy, but Nico says he'll go meet him at school.

It's the middle of May and the sun is beating down on him as he leans against a wall outside the doors of Percy's school, watching the grass and the trees sway slightly in the wind. The weather is perfect, and he feels like it's almost mocking him, because he feels sick and scared, and he begins to wish he hadn't come, but it's too late now because Percy has just left school and he's looking at Nico, confused and almost angry.

"Percy," Nico says, looking at him. He's wearing his school uniform and it makes him look younger and he looks so different because Nico's hardly ever seen Percy in it, and -

"What." he replies flatly.

"Percy, I miss you" Nico admits, feeling sad and guilty and wishing so bad that he'd never even come here in the first place. Percy glares at him.

"I'm not interested in you." It's curt, and it stings, "I was drunk, it was a mistake. I don't have feelings for you." Nico's heart beats wildly against his ribs.

"No, Percy, that's not what I meant. I just – I want things to be _normal_ again."

"I'm not a _fag_ like you, Nico."

"You kissed me back," Nico spits, suddenly and desperately, irrationally angry, "You can't call me that when you practically started it!"

"I didn't start _anything_!" Percy's voice is on the verge of yelling, and Nico cowers, because he's weak and pathetic and a loser. "I just – I – _shit_, I'm not gay, dude! Get it through your sick fucking head." Percy turns to leave; Nico grabs his shirt without thinking.

Percy spins, fist connecting with Nico's jaw. Nico cries out, blood is pouring from his mouth and he's unable to move, shaking and confused and hurt and _oh Gods why?_

"Oh, shit" Percy steps back, shocked, hands trembling "Nico, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, oh Gods, Nico, I didn't, I - shit, I'm so sorry" his words come out rushed and hard to understand; he's shaking, swallowing the sobs threatening to escape his lips. He takes Nico back into the school, holding his hand, he leads him to the bathroom and tries to clean up his jaw, shaking, tears streaming down his bright red cheeks. When he finally stops bleeding Percy looks at him, with bloodshot eyes, still crying and Nico realises he's never seen Percy cry before.

"I'm so sorry, Nico," he says quietly, his bottom lip shaking as he fights back more tears. He looks sad and small and weak and Nico's never ever seen Percy this vulnerable before, "I - I don't think we should be friends anymore."

Nico's heart drops. It ends just how it started.

[-]

He feels just like he did when Bianca died. Scared, sad, alone. He hates himself even more than he did before. _Why did I have to do that? What ever made me think he might like me?_ Months pass, he spends even less time around the other campers than he used to, practically never leaves his bed, hardly eats, hardly moves. He lies there, angry at himself for ruining the one thing that actually made him happy. It's all his fault, of course Percy doesn't like him, he would never like him. Why _would_ he like him? Percy's _straight_ and even if he wasn't, Nico's stupid and pathetic and weak and no one, especially not _Percy Jackson_, would ever love someone like him. He tells himself this repeatedly until the words lose their meaning and his brain goes numb.

It's summer holidays for Percy in less than a week, and Nico knows he won't be able to face seeing him again.

He doesn't want to, but he can't help but think about Percy. He thinks about what he's doing, if he misses him, if he hates him, if he even thinks of him. He wonders what he's told his mum about Nico suddenly not showing up anymore. He misses her as well, she was always kind to Nico. Percy is so much like his mother sometimes. He thinks about how things are going with him and Rachel, and he sincerely hopes that they're going well and that they've started dating or whatever finally - because it's clear Rachel liked him a lot too and she made him happy and that's all that really matters anymore. He wonders if Percy's told Rachel about what happened between them. He wishes that they were still friends, he doesn't even care about Percy liking him romantically anymore, he can deal with his feelings being unrequited, he just wants to be friends again. He can't cope without Percy, he was the best thing that ever happened to him, and not having him around makes Nico feel empty.

[-]

On the day Percy comes back to camp, Nico doesn't expect him to even acknowledge his presence, yet first thing in the morning, he hears banging on his door. He's not really expecting it to be Percy, as he begrudgingly pulls himself out of his bed. Over the past few weeks he's gotten a lot thinner and his olive skin has paled slightly due to spending so much time inside - in the comforting darkness of his room. One of the things that makes him extremely grateful to be a son of Hades, there's no others, so it's a lot easier to be alone. He thinks about how Percy told him he hates being the only son of Poseidon because it gets so _lonely_ and he hates being alone.

He's been wearing the same clothes for a week now, and there's dark circles forming under his dark brown, almost black eyes. His hair is bedraggled and he basically just looks like shit. But he doesn't even care anymore, he feels like shit and he wants to die and he doesn't care.

He opens the door, and he's surprised to see Percy standing there, looking at him with big, sad green eyes. He can tell that Percy's not been sleeping properly, he looks exhausted and weak and... sad.

"Nico, I- I" he stammers, "I'm really, really sorry about everything. You're - you.. you were my best friend and I screwed everything up and I'm_ so_ sorry"

"Don't be." Nico says, "I get it. Really. It's not your fault, I never should've had a crush on you in the first place, it's.. it's _weird_."

Percy averts his gaze to the floor, "No, it's.. it's not your fault.. you can't help who you like.."

He looks back up at Nico, "I mean, I talked to my mum about what happened afterwards, I ran home and I couldn't stop crying and my face was red and nose was running, it was really gross, but I just, I felt so bad, y'know? I'm really sorry man, I handled everything so badly, I'm so sorry for hitting you and calling you a... a fag. I'm really sorry. My mum said I should talk to you about it, and I thought about it - I mean, I really did, every day - I kept telling myself I would, but I kept getting scared at the last moment, I.. I thought you'd be really mad at me, or that you'd never want to see me again. I'm so sorry about everything, I just.. I really hope we can be friends again. I mean, I understand if you don't want to - I totally get that, I'd hate me if I was you, I just, I - I.. I really care about you Nico, you were the best friend I'd ever had, it's been so hard not seeing you.. I ... I don't know what to say, you probably hate me so much... I hate myself too, I can't believe I did that to you, I - fuck, I'm so sorry."

His eyebrows are furrowed in worry and he's chewing on the inside of his lip and he looks sad and desperate, like he could break at any second.

"I... it's.. it's cool" Nico replies.

[-]

Over the summer, things begin to return to normal. They both know it'll never be the same as it was before, but it's still okay. Nico's feelings for Percy don't go away, if anything they start to get stronger, and he hates himself for it. He wishes he could be normal and just like girls, he wishes he didn't have this big dumb crush on Percy. They don't talk about it whatsoever, they don't talk about anything like that, anything serious, until one day it's 6pm, and they're sat under a tree, in the shade and Percy's doing his summer homework for school and talking to Nico about dumb things that don't really matter that much. (Just like how it used to be.)

The weather is hotter than usual on that day, it's gotten slightly less hot as the day progressed but it's still hot enough to notice, and without thinking Percy rolls his sleeves up and Nico bites his lip as he sees the scars on his arms again. Some of them he can tell are old, faded. But there's a lot more recent, very recent ones and Nico knows he shouldn't bring it up because it's not fair on Percy, and it'll make him uncomfortable, but before he can think, he's already blurted it out.

"Percy, why do you cut yourself?" Percy's hand stops writing and he looks up at him, mouth slightly opened, green eyes wide, pale cheeks flushing pink. Nico mentally kicks himself for saying that.

"I - I.. um" Percy stammers, flustered, pulling his sleeves back down, "it's nothing, really, it's not a big deal. Don't worry about it. I just sorta get upset and angry at myself sometimes, I do it in the spur of the moment, it's stupid."

"Yes it is a big deal," _Fuck Nico, shut the fuck up,_ "I hate it when you say stuff like that, telling me not to worry over nothing - because it is something and you know I'm going to worry. It's not stupid, Percy, you clearly have a lot of problems you're not dealing with, and I don't want to sit by and let you hurt yourself and then tell me it's 'not a big deal'"

Percy's looking down, fiddling with his pen, cheeks bright red, "I've got to go." he mumbles, grabbing his stuff and hastily running back to his cabin.

Nico puts his head in his hands, fingers tangling in his hair. He feels sick. His head is pounding and his throat is dry and he feels like he's going to throw up. He thinks about what Percy said before about his stepfather. Saying it's 'not a big deal', blaming himself. He tries to imagine Percy doing that to himself, and he thinks about how sad Percy really is and how good he is at hiding it.

Tears prick in his eyes but he holds them back.

[-]

After that, they resume back as they were before. Percy talks to Nico as if it never happened, and Nico decides it's best to play along.

It's 8:54pm on a Friday, the sky is dark, air is warm, but there's a slight breeze, and they're sat against a wall talking to each other.

He asks him about Rachel, and finds out that they have gotten together "I mean, kind of - I don't know," is what Percy says exactly, but Nico knows Rachel, and he knows Percy, and he knows that that's basically a yes. He's happy for them - really. Percy doesn't talk about Rachel anymore, though and Nico knows why.

There's a few minutes of silence, and all Nico can hear is his heart beating in his chest, before Percy says, "You know, I really am sorry."

"What?"

"You know what I'm talking about, Nico, don't be stupid." Nico looks away, _Oh, that._ There's a few more minutes of silence.

"Hit me."

"What?"

"Hit me." Percy repeats, looking Nico in the eyes.

"Percy, I'm not going to hit y-"

"Just do it, Nico." he sounds slightly angry, but there's also a hint of excitement in his voice. He stands up, looking at him expectantly. Nico throws him an _are-you-fucking-kidding-me_ look, but Percy ignores it, grabs Nico's wrist, pulls him up.

"Percy, I can't just hit you, what the hell, why ar-"

Percy punches him right in his left eye.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Nico yells, covering his eye.

"Don't just let me hit you," Percy yells back at him, "Fight back, Nico, do it!"

"No!" Percy's fist connects with his nose, blood flows down his face, he can taste it on his lips, tastes like iron, his eye is quickly blackening, heart racing.

"Hit me!"

"You have fucking problems, man!" Nico yells, throwing his fist at Percy's jaw. He's not really sure how to fight, and he's never done it before, but blood pours from Percy's mouth, he spits it out, wipes it away with his arm. He laughs loudly, clapping his hands.

"Yeah! I knew you had it in you!" He shouts at him encouragingly, grins, throws another punch at Nico.

They end up a tangle of limbs on the ground, beating each other senseless, there's blood everywhere and it hurts, it hurts so bad he can't breathe, but there's something inside of him, pumping through his veins - not anger, but something close. And they fight until they can't move, lie next to each other on the ground, bruised and covered in blood, taking deep breaths.

[-]

It's kind of hard to make up an excuse for why they're both beaten up - skin littered with bruises and scratches and abrasions. It looks worse on Percy, because his skin is a lot paler than Nico's. Nico tells him this.

They get into a habit of fighting with each other. Instead, to avoid awkward questions, they hurt each other in areas that aren't really noticeable but still give a little twinge of pain when you move sometimes. Nico's not entirely sure why he does it, because it fucking hurts and it's stupid, but when they're fighting, he doesn't care. His heart is racing, breathing rapid, adrenaline pumping through his veins. The pain feels almost good at the time - he feels like he can do anything, like he's on top of the world, he feels awake, alive. More so than he ever has before.

It's not healthy, and he knows that, but he can't stop, neither of them can. Percy didn't really mean for things to end up like this, he just wanted to stop feeling guilty, wanted Nico to hurt him, make things even. But, by doing that, he's just corrupting him further.

[-]

One night - Monday, 11:14pm - they're done fighting and they're lying on the ground next to each other - they're close, but not too close.

"Percy, I want to talk about the scars." Nico says bluntly. He doesn't regret it this time.

His breath hitches, "What?"

"You know what I'm talking about, Percy, don't be stupid." he says mockingly, repeating Percy's last words before they started fighting.

"Look, I told you Nico, it's not a bi-"

"Oh, save the bullshit, Percy. It is a big deal, and you know it is."

"For fuck sake, what does this matter so much to you anyway?!"

"You know why!" silence falls between them, tension forms from the silence.

Nico listens to Percy's breathing for a few minutes.

"Look, I'm sorry," Percy says carefully, "I just - I don't know why I do it. It's like this, this thing we have going. I hate it so much, but I can't stop. And I know you feel the same way. It's like an addiction, I told myself I wouldn't do it again when I first did it, but I did. And I just got carried away, I guess."

"What made you first do it then?"

Silence.

"Perc-"

"I don't want to talk about it, Nico." he retorts sharply.

"It was because of him, wasn't it?"

"Who?"

"Your stepfather."

Percy sits up, "I told you I don't want to talk about it."

Nico copies Percy; sits up as well, grabs his hands, looks him in the eyes. His green eyes bore into Nico's, an overwhelming sadness in them, which makes Nico think of all the times Percy's helped him, let him cry, consoled him, and been there for him, and he realises that, throughout all that time, Percy's never had anyone there for him, to hold him and listen to him, and tell him everything will be okay. He thinks about how brave Percy is, and how he had him fooled all that time ago that he was truly happy - had everyone fooled, still does almost.

Tears are threatening to escape his sad green eyes, he's trying so hard not to cry. Nico thinks back to the time with Drew, when Percy, hardly even knowing him, ran after him, helped him, told him it was okay to cry.

"Percy," he says it so quietly, gently, his voice almost a whisper, "you don't have to do this. Remember what you told me? About being entitled to cry, you aren't an exception, you know."

"Yes I am." he tries to sound strong, but his voice wavers, he sounds small and vulnerable, "I'm worthless and crying isn't going to solve it."

"Pe-"

"Don't you fucking dare try to tell me I'm not!" he sounds angry, but Nico knows he's really just angry at himself. "Crying is stupid. It's weak and pathetic and it doesn't change anything. It didn't bring Bianca back, did it?"

Nico lets go of his hands.

"I mean - fuck it, Nico, I'm sorry. See? I always say the wrong thing, I always fuck everything up. I'm just a worthless piece of shit."

He shuts his eyes tightly, holding his head in his hands, "Fuck everything, I hate this, I hate myself. I just - I just want to be happy, y'know?"

"Yeah. I do." Nico replies quietly.

[-]

They stop fighting. Or rather, Percy just flat out refuses to do it anymore. It hurts, because it was the one thing that made Nico feel alive, but he doesn't try change Percy's mind. Things between them change drastically because of this. Nico gets withdrawal from fighting, feels empty without it. Percy tries not to talk about it, blocks it out, pretends it never happened. Just like he does with everything. When he goes back home, he starts going out more often - not taking Nico anymore - he drinks more, starts smoking, taking drugs, anything to numb his mind even if just for a couple of hours.

And when Nico finds out about it, he's furious - One night Percy overdoses on gods know what, gets taken to hospital, where he decides the only person suitable to call is Nico.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he rants, pacing as Percy sits in his hospital bed, looking guilty, like a child who's being scolded, "Everyone has problems, Percy! But do you know what normal people do? They cry and they talk about it and they get help! You can't do this to yourself just because you're too damn stubborn and proud to deal with it! What do you think your mum would say about this? What would Rachel say? Do they know? Fucking hell Percy, you can't do shit like this! What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"I wanted to die, Nico." he says quietly. Nico stares at him, "I still do, man, I want to fucking die, I'm sick of everything, it hurts so bad, Nico, you don't understand - I did it on purpose, I was trying to kill myself."

Tears are streaming down Nico's face, "Do you know how much that fucking hurts, Percy? You can't just use suicide as a way to escape your problems! Think about what it would've done to everyone else, have you ever thought about that?! Didn't it cross your mind that you'd just be passing your pain onto everyone else!? For fuck sake, Percy, I'm getting really sick of your bullshit! One second you're telling me that it's okay to cry, that everything will be okay - and the next you're kissing me - and actually, I wasn't okay, Percy, it really did hurt - I loved you - fuck, I still love you, and you just flat-out ignore me without any explanation for 3 weeks, then when I try apologize - even though I had fucking nothing to apologize for, you call me a fag and you punch me and you think it's totally okay to just ignore me for 2 more months and then just make up with me like it's nothing! Then you start this whole fighting thing - I don't want to but you force me to do it and you get me addicted to it, then suddenly say you don't want to anymore and I get no say in it. Then - then, you do this! For fuck sake Percy, I try to help you, I try to get you to talk about it but you always just block people out when they try to help you! Do you even want help?! You'd rather slowly kill yourself than show any sign of needing help from someone else! And you still insist it's not a big deal, you just don't feel like talking about it! Well, I'm done trying, Percy! Go find someone else to fuck with!"

Percy stares at him in shock, he doesn't know what to say.

"Nico, I-"

"Save it, Percy."

He storms out of the room and Percy doesn't even try to stop the tears as they escape from his eyes.

[-]

He doesn't see Nico again till the next summer.

He doesn't try to contact him, he decides it's probably for the best.

What Nico had said really hit him hard. He'd stopped cutting, drinking, everything - stopped bottling things up, talked to people about it, gotten professional help. And Nico was right, it hurt a lot less now. But he missed him. He knew he'd screwed everything up, and Nico rightfully doesn't want to be friends anymore, but he still missed him. He thought about Nico a lot - thought about what we would say if they spoke again, tried to imagine what Nico might do or say. Thinking about Nico made him sad, it made him feel guilty and it made him feel like a bad person.

He talks to him first thing when he gets back to camp, just like last time. He knocks on his door, and Nico sort of just looks at him. He's usually pretty good at being able to read other peoples emotions, but he can't read Nico's right now.

"I'm ready." Percy says.

"What?"

"I'm ready to talk to you. It's the least I owe you after everything I've done."

Nico lets him in, and he does talk to him. He talks about his childhood - his stepfather, tells Nico about how he used to beat him and rape him, and how hard it was to deal with and how that was partly why he got so weird after that night, he was scared and confused and to be honest, deep down he was probably in love with Nico too all along, he just didn't want to face it. He told him about how he hit his mother as well, and he told him about how angry it had made him. He told him about how he couldn't stand the constant pressure at school and how badly he wanted to succeed but how his learning disabilities held him back - something Nico could relate to - he told him about how he loved Rachel, he loved her so much, but he was never_ in love_ with her. He talked about how much he hated being who he was, how scared he was about dying - which he was due to that August - how he was even more scared of failing everyone - losing the war. He told him every single thing that had or still does trouble him and he told him about how much better he's doing now and he cried, and so did Nico and Nico held his hand through the whole thing, and told him he was so brave and promised that everything was going to be okay.

And Percy believed him, it's not going to be for a long time, but in the end, everything _will_ be okay.

[-]

**a/n** laziest fr****ckin ending evr omg i just cba anymore i did not intend 4 it 2 b that long i just couldnt stop writing omg its so ba d im so tired im so sorry every1 i liked it when i started but i rly rly dont like this anymore but im uploading it anyway bc i spent a lot of time writing it and idk i like some of the themes idk idk i want to rewrite it but i dont idk ! ugh i wish id nvr evn started this ugh if u review pls review with more than "so weird" thts all i evr get nowdays giv e me Hope i believe in u guys


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